Why am I here then? By Garry.

Hi all,

I'm Garry, I'm 46 and I have had depression for over 30 years! I have been on medication for 10 years yet I'm never fully happy or appreciative of much. I have lived with my partner for 18 years and we have two young kids. We both work and I don't take so much time off now so that's a success isn't it? I wake up each morning so there's another success. I see my beautiful family every day so there's another.

What have I got to be depressed or anxious about then?

I don't know even though I've had psychiatrists, psychologists, self help, GP's and CBT. I can't address the problem if I don't know the reason can I? Why I'm even writing this I don't know!

There is a stigma attached to mental health and I believe it. I don't know why but I don't ever make it public because I believe people don't care or believe. I don't want this published but yet I'm still writing it. That's my life right there, so full of I don't knows and why's and why not! I am writing about something which is destroying me but I can't fix it. I should be happy right? Maybe I am part of the stigma problem. Maybe I should just open up and scream it from the roof tops. I won't though because I'll just sit here and go through this and try and play my part in society.

 This email will be full of contradictions but you need to understand that my life is full of contradictions. How do you all open up in public? How are you able to do that? The stigma surrounding these issues is real isn't it? People don't want to know about this surely.

Why am I here then? I don't know. Just like I don't know why I feel like I do, I also don't know why I'm here.

 It's painful to believe the stigma but I do.

Can I save this as a draft or can I send it? You see, I don't even know if I'll send this so if I do then surely that's a step closer right? If you're reading this then either in a moment of elation or deflation I have sent this. I'll regret it if I do but that's my life. Just because I believe in the stigma please don't let yourself. I also believe in all of you and what you are trying to achieve. That's for now though as I may not believe that tomorrow. #itaffectsme