In Sickness and in Health. Part Two: Wife

I knew my husband wasn’t well and eventually he agreed to talk to a doctor. When his GP said ‘You are unwell and need help, we can give you that help’ it was a relief to know we weren’t alone. It was especially a weight off my shoulders as I had been trying to fix everything by myself, but it isn’t something I can do. I was frightened and wanted to make it all better, but I just need to be there, holding his hand. It is not my job to ‘fix’ him; sometimes my role is to help him see clearer/ to listen to him/ to give him space – which is what I would be doing with or without mental illness in our lives. 

I have had to learn that I can’t help my other half if I am worn out, so I have friends who are there for me when I need to talk things through, and I’ve called Mind Charity when I need advice; it has to be a team effort. 

Also, if I am having a hard time he is there for me – there is a misconception that people who are suffering from depression/anxiety or any mental health illnesses can’t be good friends/partners but this is a lie – a lie born out of not talking about it enough, a lie that breeds when there is shame and stigma. 

I talk about the challenges he/we have faced and some people say ‘but you seem happy’ or ‘what does he have to be depressed about’ but there isn’t always a why, mental illness doesn’t discriminate. It just is, it happens. He is not a statistic and this is not a dirty secret – it our real lives and this is what we face. 

It is 20 months since he survived a suicide attempt. He has been on a waiting list for treatment for those 20 months and has only just now begun therapy. This is far too long. In fact he is only being seen now as we have a baby on the way and it pushed him up the waiting list quicker. We want to see change in policy and funding so there isn’t this ridiculous waiting list – and hiding away won’t make that change happen. Staying silent won’t bring change. 

 

My husband is kind, funny, cheeky, generous and loving. It isn’t hard to be with him. It is hard to see him suffer, but we also have so much fun together; we have a great relationship which isn’t defined by his illness. He has worked really hard to help himself – he runs, talks to me and friends, sees his GP when he needs to; he has learnt how to see what he needs and act on it. We are both excited for the future. He is a wonderful husband and will be a fantastic dad. 

I used to keep quiet about our battles, I didn’t want people to know our private lives or judging us, but now I say ‘it affects me’ because it is a privilege to be by his side and I am so proud of all he has achieved. I say ‘it affects me’ so my child grows up in a world where there is education about mental health and it is ok to ask for help. Now we say ‘it affects me too’ – so others know they aren’t the only one; there is hope for the future – things do get better. You are not alone.