In Sickness and in Health: Part one: Husband.

The Long and Winding Road.

Today is 29/1/2016 and is a very significant day. No, it’s not my birthday and no it’s not my wedding anniversary or a ‘10 years and free of cigarettes’ day. Today is the day I started therapy, a day that, more importantly, marks the end of a twenty month wait for treatment. I have severe depression. I cannot say when it started to affect me, or why – as I have only had 1 therapy session, but in the last few years it had escalated to a point which was unbearable. The result of which was that in May 2014 I attempted to commit suicide and ended up in hospital. This is where a 20 month journey for long term treatment started.

The days and weeks that followed my suicide attempt, when reflecting seem a distant blur, like a half forgotten dream. I could tell you places I went to and people that I saw, but whether I was aware of much that was going on, I couldn’t say. I was fortunate enough to have incredible friends and family around me that were there to help ‘nurse’ me through the immediate fallout. Could I relate to them at that point, or to anyone? No. I felt emotionally disconnected from everything I saw or came into contact with.

In the time from then till now I have (approximately) seen 15 doctors/ psychiatric nurses, been on at least 4 different waiting lists and had to visit 5 centres for help. It has been the most exhausting wait I can remember. Some nurses and doctors are better than others, some I found easier to talk to, some I found rude. 99% of the time this just depends on who has an availability for you to be seen.

At the best of times, waiting to start therapy has felt not so much as living, as surviving. Doing what I had to do so I made it to the next day. In the days/ weeks after my suicide attempt I was given a piece of advice that I still use to this day. Don’t think too far ahead. Break the day down. If you are struggling, get yourself through the next hour, then the next one. Then get yourself through the next two hours and build it up. I have had and indeed still have days where I have to do this so I don’t lose the small ground that I have to keep my feet on.

I was due to get married a few months after that May and my fiancée asked if I wanted to postpone the wedding. I am not sure why I said no let's go ahead, but I am sure that it had something to do with admitting to myself that I had a serious illness. I was on anti-depressants on my big day and still had to look after myself, just as a cancer patient would. It still was the happiest day of my life and shows that the human mind is a remarkable thing. I hate dodgy clichés, but time truly is a great healer. I doubted things would ever get better but they did and I have hope that they will continue to get better.  

There have been many frustrating factors about having to wait so long for help, and many helpful aspects. It is draining and tedious going through endless lists and having to do so many ‘initial appointments’. It is daunting every time you go to a new building, dragging with you the hopes and fears that maybe this time I can start to get better. The time I have had to wait however, has helped me to see that life is ultimately a rare and precious gift, one that is worth fighting for. What has got me through those fights, when I simply didn’t have the strength to leave bed, was being honest enough to allow someone to help me fight. Depression is a serious illness that if left untreated can and will affect all parts of your life. Respect the disease and allow others into your journey.

I know that this is one of many stories of people out there going through the same battle that I am, only together can we help end stigma and raise support for ourselves and each other. I have depression #itaffectsme.